Hiatus?

You might have noticed I’ve been away for a while.

Look, I’m not gonna lie to you: I’ll probably have to–AS IN BEING FORCED!–to keep this hiatus.

The reason, you might ask? That BASTARD C.S. that’s what. She’s super busy with her freaking books and she has zero time to hang out with me these days.

Bitch left me to gather dust, plain and simple. AND IT SUCKS. No hoes before bros, not for that bastard.

I mean, have you seen the hunks in her stories?

Yeeeeah. Thanks a lot, girlfriend.

I was like, “Come on, hook me up with James, dude!” And she was like, “No way, he’s Miriam’s.” And I’m like, “I’m in your fucking head, just turn me into Miriam or whatevs.”

Didn’t work.

So here’s to you, C. S. *raises whiskey glass* Hope you’re having a great time with your hunks and space exploration, and purgatory and shit. I’m fine right here, thank you very much.

F you by the way. F the fuckidy you.

Another Award, Yasssss!

There’s this awesome award going around called The Dragon’s Loyalty Award (I mean, dragon. I rest my case.) I’ve been nominated by the lovely Precarious Writer (The blog’s name alone should motivate you to check her out.)

So, I have to share seven different facts about myself (rules follow at the end of the post.) All right.

So, if this were C.S. she’d write a bunch of deep, interesting writerly stuff, and she’d probably mention Malala, because Malala is awesome and we need to help her change the world. 

But I’m crazy and superficial, so, without further adue:

 

1. I’m Batman. No, seriously, I am, and this lame assface here is Bruce Wayne.

2. I cannot stand Nicki Minaj. Or the Kardashians.

3. I wanna braid Brock O’Hurn’s hair.

4. Imagine Dragons is one of the best bands out there. Ah, look at that! Dragons again. I’m awesome.

5. My best friend looks a bit like Amy Schumer. But maybe that’s because she’s white and blond, and all white and blond people look the same to me.

6. Does anyone feel like nachos? I always feel like nachos.

7. Tina Fey is my spirit animal.

Now, I’m supposed to nominate 15 people. That’s a lot and I’m lazy, so here’s ten:

LUNA!

Mah POTAHTO!

DEAR MEN OF LA!

REBBIT 7!

THE OPENING SENTENCE!

THE PROFESSOR!

ANETTE!

DEARLILYJUNE!

GHOSTPUPPET!

PRAJAKTA!

 

Anyway, here’s more Brock for you.

So.Much.Hair…

Here are the rules for the award!

The Dragon’s Loyalty Award is meant to acknowledge those who regularly read and comment on your blog. The rules for it are pretty simple:
–Show off your achievement by displaying the award.
–Link back to the person who bestowed this award upon you.
–Nominate up to 15 of your regular readers (less than 15 is just fine, though).
–Let them know that they’ve been nominated.
–Share 7 interesting facts about yourself.

(I just wanted to be able to cross off all the items.)

The Art of Fart

I face farting as a lost art rather than a normal biological function. I’m constantly trying to improve myself in this field, and my husband is my biggest supporter.

Sometimes I lean over and stare deep within his eyes, and he obviously thinks I’m about to kiss him, but he’s so wrong, because yeah, I’m farting. It’s super romantic. Usually he farts back with triple the power and we laugh and laugh. It never gets old. This is how I know I married the right guy.

(Though one time his fart was so powerful that I tasted it, and it was disgusting as fuck, like a mix of rotten eggs and whatever comes out of Kim Kardashian’s plastic surgeries.)

I threw up a little back then, but at the same time, I was really proud of him.

During my fart trainings, I often focus on swiftness, though I’ll also work on the smell over noise ratio. It really depends on the social situation and how badly concentrated the gas is.

I can also echo-fart, which is a fart so ninja that people will hear it from the opposite side of the room and blame it on the fat guy standing there, when the truth is, the fart came from where they’d least expect.

I did that to my husband once, and his mother was all like, “Ferdinand, I did not raise you so badly!” It was awesome.

(PS: His name is not Ferdinand. I changed it for anonymity reasons, Keith Lemon style.)

Anyway, husband has been trying to get me back for that to this day. Whether he succeeds remains to be seen.

Have you ever tried echo-farting?

3 Days 3 Quotes Challenge

So, the wonderful Akhiz nominated me for this one, and I thought, “Yaaaasssssss!”

The rules of the quote challenge are:

Thank the person who nominated you.
Post a quote each day for 3 days.
Each day nominate 3 bloggers to take part.

All right. Since the life of a kick-ass princess is super hard (with all the kickassery pertained to the job role), I’ll share with you all three sentences right now instead of doing it in three consecutive days.

So here we go:

And the nominees are:

• ROB
• MP SHARMA
• LIFECONFUSIONS

Cheerios peeps!