The Art of Fart

I face farting as a lost art rather than a normal biological function. I’m constantly trying to improve myself in this field, and my husband is my biggest supporter.

Sometimes I lean over and stare deep within his eyes, and he obviously thinks I’m about to kiss him, but he’s so wrong, because yeah, I’m farting. It’s super romantic. Usually he farts back with triple the power and we laugh and laugh. It never gets old. This is how I know I married the right guy.

(Though one time his fart was so powerful that I tasted it, and it was disgusting as fuck, like a mix of rotten eggs and whatever comes out of Kim Kardashian’s plastic surgeries.)

I threw up a little back then, but at the same time, I was really proud of him.

During my fart trainings, I often focus on swiftness, though I’ll also work on the smell over noise ratio. It really depends on the social situation and how badly concentrated the gas is.

I can also echo-fart, which is a fart so ninja that people will hear it from the opposite side of the room and blame it on the fat guy standing there, when the truth is, the fart came from where they’d least expect.

I did that to my husband once, and his mother was all like, “Ferdinand, I did not raise you so badly!” It was awesome.

(PS: His name is not Ferdinand. I changed it for anonymity reasons, Keith Lemon style.)

Anyway, husband has been trying to get me back for that to this day. Whether he succeeds remains to be seen.

Have you ever tried echo-farting?

Follow or Unfollow

Last week, I received four notifications on new followers, and that was awesome. I’m always happy when I get new followers, it makes my day (almost as much as comments and likes, just throwing it out there, you know, just in case).

I average around eight new followers a week, so you might be wondering what made those four so special. Well, according to WordPress, I was already following them.

Let me connect the dots, if I may (This is gonna turn into a Harsh Reality type of post, isn’t it? Oh hell yes).

Dot 1) At some point in time, those four people followed me (or I followed them first, doesn’t really matter), and as always, that was awesome. We connected, we followed each other. Cue to more awesomeness.

Dot 2) Fast forward a few months/days, and I get a notification that those people, who were already following me, just started following me.

Hm.

Look, it’s fine to unfollow me. At some point, you thought what I had to say wasn’t cool, or interesting, or maybe you were offended. Hey, it happens. No one can please everyone. It’s life, and I’m super cool with that.

But if you didn’t like what I had to say and unfollowed me, why did you follow me back?

Oh wait, you’re adding people randomly and then unfollowing them to increase your followers/following rate, aren’t you?

Sorry, but this is not fucking Twitter. Your shitty social media gimmicks don’t work here. And I don’t tolerate this kind of shit.

So you just earned an eternal unfollow, assholes.

You’re welcome.

How to Reply to a Rejection Letter

A lot of people have trouble dealing with form rejections, be that for a project, a job, college, or anything for that matter.

But fear not, I’m here to help!

Here’s  HOW TO REPLY TO A REJECTION LETTER:

Dear Sirs,

Thank you for taking the time to consider my project/me for -insert whatever-. I deeply appreciate the chance, and I respect your decision.

With that being said: Fuck you. Fuck the fuckidy you, hard in the ass, several times, and then some. Fuck you everywhere. Fuck you, fuck your cat, fuck your grandma, and fuck your cow.

Wait, let me spell that for you: F U C K   Y O U.

Have an awesome fucking day, you cold-hearted asshole.

Sincerely,

The person you’ll regret rejecting for the rest of your sorry life.

PS: You were my second choice anyway.

 

Disclaimer: This goes in your head and definitely NOT on an actual reply, yeah? Cool.

Clean Reader Sucks Giant Monkey Balls

They’ve made an app that scrubs profanity from e-books. Seriously, their tag is, and I quote, “Read books. Not profanity.”

Okay.

Being a writer myself (I’m secretly J.K. Rowling, don’t tell anyone), I feel obligated to tell Clean Reader the following: You, sir, suck giant monkey balls, attached to a giant monkey that feeds solely on other monkeys’ balls. That’s how much monkey balls you suck.

Look, guys, I get it. Profanity is a big thing: some people love it, others hate it. But that doesn’t give an app the right to mess with an author’s work, just for the sake of political correctness.

If you don’t want to read profanity, make sure to buy from authors and houses which do not approve of profanity either. Or look for genres which likely won’t have a lot of profanity, like Y.A., Middle Grade, or Christian books.

Quite often, an author will need profanity to make characters real, otherwise their whole set-up and dialogues will feel fake. Trust the source: It’s really hard keeping profanity out of a book, and I’ve seriously tried, all in good faith. But there’s always that nasty villain or that crazy bitch, who will blurt out some level of nastiness, and hey, as long as it makes the story real and keeps the flow, that’s okay for me. Profanity can also give that pinch of salt to a narration, like you’re experiencing right now, and if that’s not right, then I don’t know what is.

Sure, some authors profusely abuse of profanity, and this means a lot coming from me, but that’s the kind of book they are writing, and if you don’t like it, don’t buy it, or give the book to a friend, or ask for a refund. That simple. It’s all about respecting an author’s work.

So, fellow writers out there, what are your thoughts on Clean Reader?

PS: Harry and Ron were supposed to be a gay couple. Don’t tell the media I said that.

PS II: The Empire Strikes Back: Chuck Wendig wrote a great post on the subject here. Not about Ron and Harry, though, about Clean Reader, I mean.

Feminist Ninja Badass or (I’m a Feminist and I Love Men)

I practiced Kung-Fu from ages fourteen to twenty-something. At my first Dojo, we practiced a mix of Kung-Fu and Muai-Thai, which is as badass as a monkey riding a unicorn and playing the violin at the sound of “Total Eclipse of The Heart”.

Now that’s badass.

Anyway, we used to have weekly fights in that Dojo. You heard me. I would go to the center of the room along with a guy quite bulkier than I was, and we would fight. No protection, no shoes. We just put to practice everything we learned.

I tended to be much faster than the guys, but I did get the eventual punch every now and then, or the usual sweep kick. And you know what, this is a pretty good example of what feminism is all about.

You see, being there was my choice. I was being treated equally to the other guys, and to be honest, that was really important to me.

As you may know from this post, I’ve always been a Tomboy. Growing up, I loved “boy” stuff, like martial arts or anime, and I don’t mean the cute animes like Sailor Moon or Sakura; I mean the bloody badassery of Saint Seya and Ruroni Kenshin, yes?

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never seen boys as a threat or as oppressors. Maybe it’s because I punched them back when they punched me? Maybe it’s because my best friends are usually guys? I don’t know.

The fact is: I’m a feminist and I love men. There, I’ve said it.

Many men do behave badly, but that doesn’t mean all of them are sexist assholes. Many women think they are though, and that’s why there’s a bunch of ravenous bitches out there confusing a LOT of young girls on what feminism is. So this post is to rectify that.

Feminism is NOT about misandry, people.  Misandry (the hate of men by women) sucks monkey balls, even if said monkey can play the violin at the sound of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”.

Feminism is NOT about shit like this:

Unbenannt

It is NOT about seeing men as inferior to our female awesomenes (though this one tempted me a bit).

It’s NOT having the right to physically, or emotionally, hurt a man because he can ‘take it’.

It’s NOT about depriving men of rights such as parental leave.

And it’s not about reducing men to Neanderthals whose brains operate solely in their penises.

Feminism is about being treated equally, you know, getting the same pay as our male counterparts, or being asked more than “Who are you wearing?” at the Oscars, or not being overwhelmed with house duties while our men sit on the couch and watch football.

I think “He for She” is a great place to start learning more about feminism and what it means.

I left that Dojo a few months later, by the way, but not because I was put to fight with others. I left because another student got higher evaluations than mine, on the sole ground that some people didn’t want a girl to become the Dojo’s star student.

Now, that’s sexist and slightly misogynist. But it will never give me the right to be a sexist asshole like they were.

Why?

Because I’m better than that.

How to Improve Your Blog Stats

A lot of people complain about their bad statistics. They whine that no one visits their websites. They ask themselves what they’ve done wrong,  and they wallow in self-pity as they eat chocolate and cry under the shower.

Look, guys, it’s a simple formula: We all want to be heard. Which basically means, engage with others and they’ll engage with you.

Seriously, it’s that simple.

I engage with a lot of people here in WordPress, and believe me, WordPress has a HUGE market for writers. I read, comment, and like a lot of posts, and I follow a lot of blogs. I also reblog what I like.

Dude, there’s a TON of fantastic work out there.

The interesting part is that not even half of the people I engage with return to my blog. They don’t even visit. They just reply to my comments with a “Thanks” and we never see each other again.

That’s dumb in ways I cannot begin to explain. Look, if someone reaches out to you, you goddamn reach out to them.

Anyway, let’s say that a third of the people I engage with pays it forward. Out of that third, another quarter ends up following my blog.

Are those discouraging numbers?

You bet they are.

Does it sound like a lot of work for little return?

That’s because it is.

And at the same time, it kind of isn’t.

Once you start engaging, the funniest thing will happen. It’s like inertia: once you start moving, the tendency is to keep moving. That means your numbers will start growing the more you engage, until a point where they keep growing even when you don’t engage. For me, that means the days in between my posts.

Slowly but surely, your blog starts gaining a life of its own, and that’s pretty cool.

You see, your comments link back to your blog. Your likes link back to your blog. The more you engage, the more you’re out there, and the more you increase the chances that people will discover what you have to say.

In this process, I’ve met some amazing folks. Seriously, these bloggers kick ass. And it’s really fun reading what they have to say, and knowing what they think about the stuff I have to say.

It’s the basic principle of a community, and every marketer worth a penny knows that building a community is a powerful thing.

So, if you have bad statistics, stop whining and start engaging. I’ll leave you with a great post on the subject by a living legend, Mr. OM.

We’ll continue with our usual nonsensical blabbering on the next post ; )