Riker’s Beard

I don’t have enough facial hair to grow a beard, (though my waxing lady will beg to differ). I also happen to lack a penis and a steady career in the circus industry, which means the odds I’ll ever get a beard are very slim.

I guess it was never meant to be.

BUT if I were a guy, I would definitely grow commander William Riker’s beard (if you don’t know Star Trek: TNG, here you go. Picard’s heart is broken, by the way.)

Anyway.

Why Riker’s beard, you might ask?

Because it’s not just a beard. It’s the epiphany of beards.

Just look at it.

• If Riker’s beard were a John Green book, it would be called “The Fault in My Beard: None”.
• If it were a Mexican-wrestler, it would be called La Barba Macho.
• If it were a musical, it would be called “My Fair Beard”.
• If it were a movie, it would be called “Beardinator”.
• If it was a fast food chain, it would be called McBeard’s.
• If it were a pop singer, it would be called Beardy. Get it? From Birdy? Oh! One Beard instead of One Direction? How about Justin Beard? LOL, just kidding, we both know he could never grow one.
  

I might be losing the juice here, but you get my point.

So if you’re a guy, grow a Riker’s beard. And save the world with it.

Next installment: Neil deGrasse Tyson’s moustache.

Yesssssss.

NY Times Bestseller

Snooki is a NY Times bestselling author.

So is Justin Bieber. And the Kardashians.

WTF, NY Times?

Lannister Boobs

Me: I shall name my boobs Melanie and Rupert.

S: You gave a guy’s name to your left boob?

Me: Equal rights, man. It’s a two way street.

S: Good point. But what if Rupert falls in love with Melanie?

Me: That would be disgusting. Melanie is his sister.

S (shrugs): Just sayin’. What if they’re Lannister boobs?

Me (rolling eyes): Fine. Rupert is gay, and he had a sex change operation. He now goes by the name of Melissa.

S: What if your boobs become lesbian sisters?

Me: You, are an asshole, sir.