Clean Reader Sucks Giant Monkey Balls

They’ve made an app that scrubs profanity from e-books. Seriously, their tag is, and I quote, “Read books. Not profanity.”

Okay.

Being a writer myself (I’m secretly J.K. Rowling, don’t tell anyone), I feel obligated to tell Clean Reader the following: You, sir, suck giant monkey balls, attached to a giant monkey that feeds solely on other monkeys’ balls. That’s how much monkey balls you suck.

Look, guys, I get it. Profanity is a big thing: some people love it, others hate it. But that doesn’t give an app the right to mess with an author’s work, just for the sake of political correctness.

If you don’t want to read profanity, make sure to buy from authors and houses which do not approve of profanity either. Or look for genres which likely won’t have a lot of profanity, like Y.A., Middle Grade, or Christian books.

Quite often, an author will need profanity to make characters real, otherwise their whole set-up and dialogues will feel fake. Trust the source: It’s really hard keeping profanity out of a book, and I’ve seriously tried, all in good faith. But there’s always that nasty villain or that crazy bitch, who will blurt out some level of nastiness, and hey, as long as it makes the story real and keeps the flow, that’s okay for me. Profanity can also give that pinch of salt to a narration, like you’re experiencing right now, and if that’s not right, then I don’t know what is.

Sure, some authors profusely abuse of profanity, and this means a lot coming from me, but that’s the kind of book they are writing, and if you don’t like it, don’t buy it, or give the book to a friend, or ask for a refund. That simple. It’s all about respecting an author’s work.

So, fellow writers out there, what are your thoughts on Clean Reader?

PS: Harry and Ron were supposed to be a gay couple. Don’t tell the media I said that.

PS II: The Empire Strikes Back: Chuck Wendig wrote a great post on the subject here. Not about Ron and Harry, though, about Clean Reader, I mean.

Feminist Ninja Badass or (I’m a Feminist and I Love Men)

I practiced Kung-Fu from ages fourteen to twenty-something. At my first Dojo, we practiced a mix of Kung-Fu and Muai-Thai, which is as badass as a monkey riding a unicorn and playing the violin at the sound of “Total Eclipse of The Heart”.

Now that’s badass.

Anyway, we used to have weekly fights in that Dojo. You heard me. I would go to the center of the room along with a guy quite bulkier than I was, and we would fight. No protection, no shoes. We just put to practice everything we learned.

I tended to be much faster than the guys, but I did get the eventual punch every now and then, or the usual sweep kick. And you know what, this is a pretty good example of what feminism is all about.

You see, being there was my choice. I was being treated equally to the other guys, and to be honest, that was really important to me.

As you may know from this post, I’ve always been a Tomboy. Growing up, I loved “boy” stuff, like martial arts or anime, and I don’t mean the cute animes like Sailor Moon or Sakura; I mean the bloody badassery of Saint Seya and Ruroni Kenshin, yes?

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never seen boys as a threat or as oppressors. Maybe it’s because I punched them back when they punched me? Maybe it’s because my best friends are usually guys? I don’t know.

The fact is: I’m a feminist and I love men. There, I’ve said it.

Many men do behave badly, but that doesn’t mean all of them are sexist assholes. Many women think they are though, and that’s why there’s a bunch of ravenous bitches out there confusing a LOT of young girls on what feminism is. So this post is to rectify that.

Feminism is NOT about misandry, people.  Misandry (the hate of men by women) sucks monkey balls, even if said monkey can play the violin at the sound of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”.

Feminism is NOT about shit like this:

Unbenannt

It is NOT about seeing men as inferior to our female awesomenes (though this one tempted me a bit).

It’s NOT having the right to physically, or emotionally, hurt a man because he can ‘take it’.

It’s NOT about depriving men of rights such as parental leave.

And it’s not about reducing men to Neanderthals whose brains operate solely in their penises.

Feminism is about being treated equally, you know, getting the same pay as our male counterparts, or being asked more than “Who are you wearing?” at the Oscars, or not being overwhelmed with house duties while our men sit on the couch and watch football.

I think “He for She” is a great place to start learning more about feminism and what it means.

I left that Dojo a few months later, by the way, but not because I was put to fight with others. I left because another student got higher evaluations than mine, on the sole ground that some people didn’t want a girl to become the Dojo’s star student.

Now, that’s sexist and slightly misogynist. But it will never give me the right to be a sexist asshole like they were.

Why?

Because I’m better than that.

The Baby Chick Joke

Today I will share with you one of my favorite jokes.

I really shouldn’t, because you’ll probably unfollow me. No, seriously, hear me out: I have a knack for telling jokes that are totally and irreparably NOT funny.

I’ve lost (potential) friendships after telling this joke. I wish I were joking, because I’m a master of jest (Dibs on the book title!), but this time, I’m really not.

So, you have been warned. If you wish to proceed, that’s on your own risk, and you can’t unfollow me. Also, you cannot go back. Once you read the joke, that’s it. I wish I could rewind time for you, but that would out me as an alien, and trust me, we’re both not ready for that yet.

*Ahem* Here we go:

There was once a baby chicken born with no anus.

One time it tried to fart, and it blew up.

I can tell this joke in three different languages, by the way.

German:

Es war einmal ein Baby Huhn ohne Anus geboren. Einmal versuchte es zu furzen, und es explodierte.

Portuguese:

Era uma vez um pintinho sem cu. Um dia ele foi peidar e explodiu.

Spanish:

Había una vez un polluelo sin ano. Una vez, trató de tirarse un pedo y explotó.

 You’re welcome, mankind.

How to Improve Your Blog Stats

A lot of people complain about their bad statistics. They whine that no one visits their websites. They ask themselves what they’ve done wrong,  and they wallow in self-pity as they eat chocolate and cry under the shower.

Look, guys, it’s a simple formula: We all want to be heard. Which basically means, engage with others and they’ll engage with you.

Seriously, it’s that simple.

I engage with a lot of people here in WordPress, and believe me, WordPress has a HUGE market for writers. I read, comment, and like a lot of posts, and I follow a lot of blogs. I also reblog what I like.

Dude, there’s a TON of fantastic work out there.

The interesting part is that not even half of the people I engage with return to my blog. They don’t even visit. They just reply to my comments with a “Thanks” and we never see each other again.

That’s dumb in ways I cannot begin to explain. Look, if someone reaches out to you, you goddamn reach out to them.

Anyway, let’s say that a third of the people I engage with pays it forward. Out of that third, another quarter ends up following my blog.

Are those discouraging numbers?

You bet they are.

Does it sound like a lot of work for little return?

That’s because it is.

And at the same time, it kind of isn’t.

Once you start engaging, the funniest thing will happen. It’s like inertia: once you start moving, the tendency is to keep moving. That means your numbers will start growing the more you engage, until a point where they keep growing even when you don’t engage. For me, that means the days in between my posts.

Slowly but surely, your blog starts gaining a life of its own, and that’s pretty cool.

You see, your comments link back to your blog. Your likes link back to your blog. The more you engage, the more you’re out there, and the more you increase the chances that people will discover what you have to say.

In this process, I’ve met some amazing folks. Seriously, these bloggers kick ass. And it’s really fun reading what they have to say, and knowing what they think about the stuff I have to say.

It’s the basic principle of a community, and every marketer worth a penny knows that building a community is a powerful thing.

So, if you have bad statistics, stop whining and start engaging. I’ll leave you with a great post on the subject by a living legend, Mr. OM.

We’ll continue with our usual nonsensical blabbering on the next post ; )

DIVA

Me and Husband were watching “Inglorious Basterds” in Blu-ray yes, bastards with “e”. Hey, don’t blame the messenger, man. I think Tarantino was trying to add a French flair to the word. Basteeerds. You could totally read a French accent in it.

No? Try again.

Right?

You see, hubby is a big Quentin Tarantino fan. There’s a weird irony in this, because husband is German, and “Inglorious Basterds” is all about killing Germans in gruesome ways. 

When confronted about this simple truth, husband claimed that, “The insides of a human being have no nationality.”

Let that sink in for a moment.

Anyway, as we watched the movie, he turned to me out of nowhere and said, “I really hate Diane Krueger in this role. Her character is supposed to be this big movie diva, but she just doesn’t deliver.”

To which I replied, “I agree with you, dear husband.”

I know, I’m such an ass-kisser.

“Thanks babe,” he continued. “Seriously, you’d make a waaaaay better diva then her.”

Emphasis on the “waaaaaay better diva” part, if you please.

Which brings us to today’s question:

Much obliged.

Liebster Award

You guys, I got another award and it’s so pretty!

Thank you very much, Butchcountry67! This was a lot of fun!

So here are the ten questions I was asked to answer:

1 what is your favorite color?

I’m gonna go with Smaug on this one and say  gold.

2 which would you prefer to live in: City or Countryside ?

Citeeeeh!

3 if given the chance to go to Mars (1 way trip) and take part in starting a colony , would you go?

If I had no one back on Earth, yes. Why?

Space. The Final Frontier.

4 what’s your favorite season ?

Game of Thrones, season two. But seriously, how can anyone pick anything but Summer? “Summer rules above all others,” said everyone who lives in a cold place. 

5 Domestic or Import vehicle?

Import! LAMBOOO!

6 what decade do you wish you were a teenager in?

Right now, actually. Teens nowadays have it too easy, man.

7 Empire or Rebel?

Dude, who’s for the empire? Seriously, name one single (real) person who’s (genuinely) for the empire. Nah, nah, you can’t say Rupert Murdoch. It’s too obvious.

8 if you could change the world in a profound way , what would it be?

I’d end climate change, put everything back in balance. Which would be awesome, cause then I would have basically become mother Earth, and then I’d kill you all. That’s what you get for oil leaks. In your face, mankind.

Boy, I switched teams pretty quickly, didn’t I?

9 Do you take your rights and freedom for Granted?

We all do. All around the world people are killed for voicing their opinion. Many women don’t have the right to vote, or to marry the man they love, and so much more. We should be damned grateful.

10 if you fart in a crowded elevator, do you blame the person next to you, or do you own it, rank smell and all ?

I’d throw a Pokemon ball on the floor and scream, “I blame you, Pikachu!”

For the bloggers I nominate, here are the guidelines / rules:

1. Thank and link the person who nominated you.
2.  Answer the questions given by the nominator.
3.  Nominate 10 other bloggers (or thereabouts).
4.  Create 10 new questions for the nominees to answer.
5.  Notify all nominees via social media / blog.

I nominate the following :

 Kaine Andrews

A.D. Martin

Jin Okubo

Sarcastic Goat

New Polyanna

Austin

Razorbackwriteraus

Angie K

Felicia

Corduroy magician

My 10 Questions :

1) If you were a unicorn, would you poop rainbows or jelly beans?

2) Are you a cat person or a dog person?

3) What is the one thing that really bothers you?

4) Would you say no to free ice cream? If so, what horrible event happened in your childhood to make you this way?

5) Which supercar would you be driving right now if you were mega-rich?

6) If you had a swimming pool: Would you fill it with pasta or would you fill it with Coke and then drop a pound of Mentos in it?

7) Where would you go for your dream vacation?

8) What is your worst nightmare? I know, that took a dark turn. Plot twist!

9) What makes you smile?

10) Who’s the more important person in the world to you?

My BFF And Thailand: Or (A Finnish Girl Joins Thailand’s National Army)

My best friend is traveling to Thailand for two months. What a selfish bastard, right? I mean, who am I going to bother all the time?

I think it’s worth mentioning that me and BFF have been living a long-distance relationship for a year-and-a-half now. She lives in London and I’m in Switzerland, the land of cheese, chocolate and mullets.

Yes, Swiss people still think mullets are in.

Anyway, we managed our long-distance quite well, because our time zones are just one hour apart. But now the difference will be ten hours (okay, I exaggerate. It’ll be around six.)

On a side note, it’s really true about the mullets. I think Switzerland entered the nineties like four years ago.

So…my BFF is going on this soul-searching journey, kind of like “Eat, Pray, Love”. Only she’ll be doing a lot of exercise. I think she might have joined Thailand’s National Army by mistake, but don’t tell her that.

What was the point of this post again? Oh yeah, she’s writing a blog about the whole experience. It’s called BURN! (I know, that name also freaks me out. I can picture a spooky girl who died 10 years ago, staring at me with her dead eyes and shark-toothed smile as she says: BURN!)

Can’t you? Well now you can.

PS: My BFF has this  AMAZING Guacamole recipe that will change your life. That sounds overly dramatic because it is. I mean, Guacamole can’t change lives. Winning the lottery can. But at least the Guacamole will make you feel better for not winning the lottery.

Daydreamer Award

First of all, I need to thank Sophie! I’m really thrilled to have been nominated, so thanks a bunch Sophie! This is a very cool award.

(Wait, there’s no badge? I get ZERO badges? Dude, I want a badge, and a cool one with some wicked Photoshop motifs and stuff.)

Anyway, to everyone who didn’t know, this award is created by the lovely Caitlin. So make sure to check Caitlin and Sophie’s blogs!

(Seriously, Caitlin, I want a badge.

 LOL, just kidding.)

Again, there are rules for this award, and I copy-pasted them for you:

1) Thank the person who gave you the award.
2) Complete the challenge they set you.
3) Select a blog or blogs that you want to give the award to. (The amount of blogs you select in unlimited!)
4) Tell them about it and set them a challenge.
5) You can link my blog at the bottom (but only if you want to).

My response to Sophie’s challenge:

Sophie kindda screwed me on this one. See, I had to write a song, but I know more about quantum physics than I do about song writing.

Yeah, this is gonna hurt.

Taco, Oh My Taco

by Madam_W

Why did I eat you all at once?

In my stomach you bounced,

But you looked so fine, and I couldn’t help it.

I was too hasty, and you so tasty,

But I don’t regret.

Chorus:

Taco, my taco,

We were two, now we’re one,

The explosion hits my gut, the chili burning into gas,

In my belly it reacts,

But taco, oh my taco,

I don’t regret.

*Rapper starts here*

Yo,yo,yo. Taco.

Your tortillas were so crunchy, damn girl, those jalapenos got me burning; lettuce, tomato and beef.

Chopped.

I knew you’d  be bad for me, but I ain’t caring ’cause all I wanted was one bite.

Bite.

Now I can’t hold back, taco, my taco. Damn girl. You’re hot like a taco.

*Rapper stops here*

 

Taco, my taco,

We were two, now we’re one,

You try to kill me from inside,

In my belly you react,

But taco, my taco,

I don’t regret.

PS: For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry for this.

Ahem.  And the Nominees are: *drums roll please*

The Reviewing Fangirl

Bronagh

Blog Creatifa

Gary

Michelle

MPsharmaauuthor

Laissez Faire

Melissa Wong

Jorda

Plus everyone else who feels up to it! Just drop me a comment with the link to your website and I’ll check it!

My Challenge to you:

*wastes a few moments laughing the most hysterical evil laugh you’ve ever heard.* Then *clears throat.*

All right, your assignment is: Share an embarrassing/funny story about yourself.

Why? Because that’s what I do all the time in this blog, and I’m starting to feel lonely.

And make sure to spread the word about this wonderful award! It was so much fun, that I forgot all about that badge!

Oh wait.