Jeremy’s Marvelous Junk

“Dude, how big is your penis?” Dave asked.

Jeremy stared at his friend, choking slightly with the pot-smoke going down his throat. “Dude! You can’t ask that to a bro!”

“Of course you can, come on.” Dave inhaled. “Bro to bro, man.”

Jeremy squinted at him. “Bro to bro?”

Dave exhaled a cloud of smoke. “It’s the code. A bro can request a view of his bro’s penis at any given time. I’m sure it’s written somewhere.”

After careful consideration, Jeremy shrugged. “All right, then. I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.”

So Jeremy stood up and pulled down his pants.

The smoke stopped mid-way Dave’s throat and all he could mutter was, “You’re a freak of nature, bro.”

Jeremy chuckled as he zipped his pants. “That’s what she said,bro.” He gave Dave a high-five but his friend was flabbergasted and could barely move.

After a long while in silence, Dave said, “Bro.”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m gay.”

Jeremy stared at Dave in silence. Finally, he shrugged and said, “Not the first time it happens, bro.”

 

 

Literally, You Guys

Kimmy said, “When I kissed Chad, I literally saw stars!”

And Sissi was all like, “Wait. You kissed him while looking up to the sky? How did you bend your head that way?”

And all the girls gawked at Sissi, ’cause she was such a party popper, that nerd.

So Kimmy rolled her eyes and said, “OMG, can you be more weird, Sissi?”

The girls nodded and said, “Totes.”

Sissi couldn’t quite understand what was going on. “It’s not about being weird, you guys! It’s literally about the overuse of the word ‘literally’.”

Kimmy swooshed her long blond tresses as it they were a whip, and said in the most blasé of ways, “I literally can’t even, Sissi. Let’s go, girls.”

And that’s how Sissi got banned from the cheerleading squad.

She later married the guy who invented Google. Figuratively speaking. Because he must be like a thousand-year-old, you guys.

How to Improve Your Blog Stats

A lot of people complain about their bad statistics. They whine that no one visits their websites. They ask themselves what they’ve done wrong,  and they wallow in self-pity as they eat chocolate and cry under the shower.

Look, guys, it’s a simple formula: We all want to be heard. Which basically means, engage with others and they’ll engage with you.

Seriously, it’s that simple.

I engage with a lot of people here in WordPress, and believe me, WordPress has a HUGE market for writers. I read, comment, and like a lot of posts, and I follow a lot of blogs. I also reblog what I like.

Dude, there’s a TON of fantastic work out there.

The interesting part is that not even half of the people I engage with return to my blog. They don’t even visit. They just reply to my comments with a “Thanks” and we never see each other again.

That’s dumb in ways I cannot begin to explain. Look, if someone reaches out to you, you goddamn reach out to them.

Anyway, let’s say that a third of the people I engage with pays it forward. Out of that third, another quarter ends up following my blog.

Are those discouraging numbers?

You bet they are.

Does it sound like a lot of work for little return?

That’s because it is.

And at the same time, it kind of isn’t.

Once you start engaging, the funniest thing will happen. It’s like inertia: once you start moving, the tendency is to keep moving. That means your numbers will start growing the more you engage, until a point where they keep growing even when you don’t engage. For me, that means the days in between my posts.

Slowly but surely, your blog starts gaining a life of its own, and that’s pretty cool.

You see, your comments link back to your blog. Your likes link back to your blog. The more you engage, the more you’re out there, and the more you increase the chances that people will discover what you have to say.

In this process, I’ve met some amazing folks. Seriously, these bloggers kick ass. And it’s really fun reading what they have to say, and knowing what they think about the stuff I have to say.

It’s the basic principle of a community, and every marketer worth a penny knows that building a community is a powerful thing.

So, if you have bad statistics, stop whining and start engaging. I’ll leave you with a great post on the subject by a living legend, Mr. OM.

We’ll continue with our usual nonsensical blabbering on the next post ; )

Daydreamer Award

First of all, I need to thank Sophie! I’m really thrilled to have been nominated, so thanks a bunch Sophie! This is a very cool award.

(Wait, there’s no badge? I get ZERO badges? Dude, I want a badge, and a cool one with some wicked Photoshop motifs and stuff.)

Anyway, to everyone who didn’t know, this award is created by the lovely Caitlin. So make sure to check Caitlin and Sophie’s blogs!

(Seriously, Caitlin, I want a badge.

 LOL, just kidding.)

Again, there are rules for this award, and I copy-pasted them for you:

1) Thank the person who gave you the award.
2) Complete the challenge they set you.
3) Select a blog or blogs that you want to give the award to. (The amount of blogs you select in unlimited!)
4) Tell them about it and set them a challenge.
5) You can link my blog at the bottom (but only if you want to).

My response to Sophie’s challenge:

Sophie kindda screwed me on this one. See, I had to write a song, but I know more about quantum physics than I do about song writing.

Yeah, this is gonna hurt.

Taco, Oh My Taco

by Madam_W

Why did I eat you all at once?

In my stomach you bounced,

But you looked so fine, and I couldn’t help it.

I was too hasty, and you so tasty,

But I don’t regret.

Chorus:

Taco, my taco,

We were two, now we’re one,

The explosion hits my gut, the chili burning into gas,

In my belly it reacts,

But taco, oh my taco,

I don’t regret.

*Rapper starts here*

Yo,yo,yo. Taco.

Your tortillas were so crunchy, damn girl, those jalapenos got me burning; lettuce, tomato and beef.

Chopped.

I knew you’d  be bad for me, but I ain’t caring ’cause all I wanted was one bite.

Bite.

Now I can’t hold back, taco, my taco. Damn girl. You’re hot like a taco.

*Rapper stops here*

 

Taco, my taco,

We were two, now we’re one,

You try to kill me from inside,

In my belly you react,

But taco, my taco,

I don’t regret.

PS: For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry for this.

Ahem.  And the Nominees are: *drums roll please*

The Reviewing Fangirl

Bronagh

Blog Creatifa

Gary

Michelle

MPsharmaauuthor

Laissez Faire

Melissa Wong

Jorda

Plus everyone else who feels up to it! Just drop me a comment with the link to your website and I’ll check it!

My Challenge to you:

*wastes a few moments laughing the most hysterical evil laugh you’ve ever heard.* Then *clears throat.*

All right, your assignment is: Share an embarrassing/funny story about yourself.

Why? Because that’s what I do all the time in this blog, and I’m starting to feel lonely.

And make sure to spread the word about this wonderful award! It was so much fun, that I forgot all about that badge!

Oh wait.