Thanks For My Vagina, Mom!

Growing up as a nerdy tomboy meant things weren’t always easy for me, but if not for my mom, they’d have been a lot worse.

Mom and I always had this Gilmore Girl’s thing going on, and we talked about stuff like:

  • Penises
  • Sex
  • Hot Guys
  • Philosophy
  • Leonardo diCaprio (Who is not a hot guy, in fact. He’s Leonardo diCaprio and that’s his category, people.)
  • The meaning of life
  • Writing (because she’s a journalist and I’m a writer, so thank you genes)

We never had secrets. We couldn’t, because our apartment was super tiny. I won’t say that it was literally the size of a shoebox, because that’s a lie. No house is literally the size of a shoebox. Unless you’re a cat. But I digress.

Mom never spoiled me. She always told me when she thought I was right and when I wasn’t. And you know how moms are: they can see the future and they’re all-knowing, which meant she was right all the freaking time. It was very annoying. Still is.

Mom and I are so close, that after I met the man who would later become my husband, she asked, “Did you guys have sex?”

“Mom! No way, we just met!”

She was cutting carrots then, which was pretty ironic if you ask me. “You’ve been going out for a week now, and he’s leaving soon to God-knows-where.” She finished chopping the carrots and dropped them into a bowl. “If you feel ready, then you should have sex with him.”

“I want to,” I said, feeling my stomach churn. “But I’m scared. I’ve never had sex with a guy I met after a few days.” (Shut up, I was kind of a prude, all right?)

Mom rolled her eyes and said in the sweetest way possible. “Just enjoy life, and give him that glorious vagina I made, dear.”

WTF, mom!

But she was right, as always.

I did give him my glorious vagina, and it was magical and mind-blowing. I’m not sure if we’d be together to this day, if it weren’t for my mom’s advice.

So, Mom, this post is for you. Thanks for everything.

And my glorious vagina.

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52 thoughts on “Thanks For My Vagina, Mom!

  1. No way! I could never discuss things like that at home. In fact, I had once left a condom on my tv in my bedroom by accident, and when I got home, I got the evil eye. No chopping carrots for my mom that day, it would have been something far more personal that she would’ve chopped. 😀

  2. This made me giggle so much. I really hope I am able to have a Gilmore Girls era relationship with Lucy, especially since I’ve never really had that relationship with any woman, even the one who birthed me. Lol.

  3. “Just enjoy life, and give him that glorious vagina I made, dear.”
    Aahahahaha oh I haven’t laughed this hard all day :’D Holy shit! 😀 Hahaha wow!
    Your Mom sounds just like mine!! We also discuss all filthy, terrible, amazing things with each other all the time. I still remember our birds and bees talk; she was actually quite thorough in her explanation that I was in shock and didn’t talk to her for 3 days 😀 But I’m glad that because of her openness we’ve now developed a relationship where she’s my one and only #1 Best Friend forever 🙂

  4. Your mom rocks!! My mom taught me about sex by giving me a book with kitties and puppies in it (they used them to illustrate sex) no wonder my love live is so fucked up!!! You’re awesome girl! Keep up the great stories.

    • Thanks for the luff deary! ❤ And yeah, why ppl would use puppies to illustrate sex? At some point in time someone thought: "Billy, you know a great way to explain sex to kids? Puppies." and then someone nodded in agreement and said, "Totes, sir. Great idea."

  5. Welp, that’s different! I think my family is pretty open about stuff, but I’m pretty sure none have uttered the phrase “glorious vagina”.

  6. I never got how awesome female lady parts were until I got laid. Then I realized I’d spend my life chasing after them. The whole sex is bad culture that permeates much of america is silly. Props on your mom for being so open about it.

  7. omg!!! I love how your mom said…go ahead, f**him…that’s awesome…well, you would’ve anyway but it’s easier knowing momma ain’t gonna call you a stupid b**…yes, indeed every child needs that kinda mommy

  8. Reblogged this on Jdawgswords's Blog and commented:
    I read this and decided to reblog…parents, plz consider the fact that your teens WILL learn about sex and WILL have a “very first time”…there are very few exceptions to this rule…so, do they learn about IT under the bleachers at homecoming, from a rape experience…or from you as you cut carrots??? i’m glad I found this post…

  9. I honestly love this! This is such the quirky relationship me and my mum have, her advice consisting of “I gave you those looks so flaunt them baby” or “Is he at least hot?” haha

  10. My mom’s special, too, but I don’t talk to her about sex. I think I talk more about sex in my blog and in comments than anywhere else. I get a lot of good advice, too.
    My first time was on my honeymoon (yeah, see, you are not the only prude). It wouldn’t be if I could go back, know what I know now, and do what I believe to be right. However, short of that, this is what I need to live with. If you have someone you can talk to like that, wonderful, do it.
    My mom’s still pretty special.
    Scott

  11. How am I supposed to follow with all these vagina tags, Jean-Luc Picard?

    —No. It’s great to have a mother like this, who can and has talked openly with you, no secrets. 🙂

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