WTF Screen Actors Guild Awards?

What the frocking F, SAG?

William H. Macy gets the award for Outstanding Male Performance in a Comedy Series? You know what a mocking bird, a Klingon, and Carrot Top have in common?

They’re all funnier than William H. Macy.

And how come Amy Potholer (auto-correct insisted on changing Poehler to Potholer, and I decided to let it, because c’mon, wouldn’t you?), didn’t get the Outstanding Performance by a Female in a Comedy Series? Are you on crack, SAG?

Seriously:

Are

You

On

Crack?

And in which planet is “Orange the New Black” funnier than “Brooklyn Nine-Nine? I’ll tell you: Pluto, that’s where. (Because it isn’t even a planet.)

And let’s not talk about Birdman. Let’s just not…

Okay, let’s: I hated it (totally respect you if you loved it, but I H.A.T.E.D. it.) It’s highly pretentious and deliberately artsy. It’s one of those movies for actors, made by actors, which is super boring (for me) because I ain’t one.

But let’s be fair: It wasn’t all that bad, SAG.

You nailed it with Eddie Redmayne, because he was just extraordinary as Stephen Hawking in “The Theory of Everything.” Seriously, I’m gonna go all Britney Spears if Eddie doesn’t get the Oscar for best male performance.

And you nailed it with Julianne Moore too, SAG. If Julianne Moore ever said, “Let’s do this, Madam_W.” I’d be all like, “Yesssssss. By the way, can Eddie Redmayne join us?”

You also nailed it with Viola Davis, and Kevin Spacey, SAG. And I guess that Patricia Arquette deserves some love, considering she played the same part for twelve years.

I guess that in the end, we’re even. Until next year.

PS: “The Grand Budapest Hotel” better get the best motion picture Oscar, because so far it has been utterly ignored this award season, and I can’t even.

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